Yesterday's News

Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right: that there should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins.
----------------------------------- Tom Stoppard

The Reporter

(AKA Sweet Buffalo-Winged Herald of Wisdom, child of Athena and Hermes and Minotaur)

7 September 1995 -- Vol. XXVII, Nº The Second.

Although a number of persons of Jewish faith are

``not particularly exorcised

... many more are

deeply distressed, indeed, anguished.''

Other useful information: Christmas is a national holiday; Washington's Birthday/Presidents' Day is not.

The Spectrum

(``Better than the average Freshman essay.'' Gnaw width spill chicken!)

28 August 1995 -- Vol. XXXXV, Nº The Third.

An advertisement on page 22 incites teenagers to phone home collect and call their mothers

``Queen of Meat Loaf.''

It is predicted to be ``a special moment between mother and son.''

In other news, we learn that Swahili is morally correct

(''the principle language'').

To demonstrate its commitment to diversity of opinion, The Spectrum has two Op-Ed pages. A second Op-Ed page is achieved by having editorial staff write all of the nominal Op-Ed page. One writer in this section, helpfully noting that her English is at present ``perfect,'' alerts us to the newly acceptable use of rang to form the present perfect.

18 September 1995 -- Vol. XXXXV, Nº The Eleventh.

[I was planning to type something here.]

22 September 1995 -- Vol. XXXXV, Nº The Thirteenth.

Page 3 of Prodigal Sun section: ``Alien Mariachi Destroys Mexican Town.''

The National Enquirer

(``Enquiring minds want to know.'')

17 May 1994 -- Vol. LXVIII, Nº The Forty-third.

Page 1:

Oprah in tears

as lover walks out. He calls off wedding after she refuses to have his baby. Vide infra.

The Star

(``Exercise your mind - read.'' This highlights section excludes those items later recycled by the Buffalo News.)

5 September 1995 -- Vol. XXII, Iss. The Thirty-sixth.

Page 44: Oprah looking for a baby to adopt. [Michael Jackson is not available.] Stedman warns Oprah:

Marry me now or it's over!

Page 44: Alicia Silverstone has been dating Batman Forever star Chris O'Donnell, but she likes dogs.

``She'd rather be tied to a pack of mutts than go on a date.''

Vide infra.

26 September 1995 -- Vol. XXII, Iss. The Thirty-ninth.

Page 8: Alicia Silverstone has been dating ``Melrose'' hunk Antonio Sabato, Jr. for a month.
Page 15: Alicia is a cigarette-smoking militant vegetarian.

Page 18: In a letter to the editor, Keith Whitnall of North York, Ontario urges Molly Ringwald to

``show some class''

and not divulge all details of her sex life. The possible effects on her career are not explored.

In a wonderfully worded letter to the editor, wonderfully captioned

``Show some nobility
Princess Di,
don't be a manstealer''

Nancy Ulrey (Lexington, Kentucky) comments that ``[j]ust because she's a princess doesn't

give her a free reign

on every man she sees.''

Whitnall and Ulrey both received honoraria of US$10 for their contributions.

The New York Times

(``All the news that's fit to print.'' Why doesn't everybody find this troubling? It's either a threat, or menacing assertion of Bowdler smugness, or ignorance.)
(The New York Times Company publishes The Boston Globe. Doesn't that at least give pause to Red Sox fans?)

NYTimes Information Services Homepage
``Content'' is identified as being of two types: editorial and advertising. Yup, I guess that about covers it.

Field & Stream

(``Special FISHING Issue!'')

March 1995 -- Vol LXXXXVIIII, Nº The Eleventh.

Page 68:

``When it comes to catching fish, the night crawler is the breakfast of champions.''

If you didn't before, now you know. [ Ftnt. 18 ]

A good newspaper is never good enough, but a bad newspaper is a joy forever.
----------------------------------- Garrison Keillor
I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.
----------------------------------- Kim Alexis